STI: Time for sibling revelry

Apr 27, 2004

Time for sibling revelry
by Loh Keng Fatt

WHEN exactly does an older brother or sister really become a friend to a younger sibling?

In the case of my two sons, I would say their bonds were cemented only last year, when the elder boy was 14 and the other 12.

Before that, they behaved like strangers or, at best, nodding acquaintances living under the same roof.

There was little communication or brotherhood between them, especially when school was in session.

Then, each would be preoccupied with homework or projects, and classmates were deemed more important than even Mum and Dad sometimes.

In fact, if the two boys did go beyond small talk on the rare occasion, it was always marked by an undercurrent of tension.

The elder boy was often openly disdainful of his sibling, ribbing him for lacking maturity in areas such as nutrition.

The younger boy has a very strong aversion to eating greens which made him an open, meaty target for dripping sarcasm.

'So big already, still don't want to eat vegetables. Even babies eat vegetables,' the elder kid would say pointedly at meal times, with a deliberate shake of the head and rolling of eyeballs, for effect.

The younger one would keep quiet, colour would flood into his face but he would not talk back.

Not that a reaction would invite a thrashing from his brother because, well, the two are not violent types.

In fact, sometimes, I wish they were a bit more garang, which would scare off any would-be bullies to go arm-twist elsewhere.

I suppose the elder kid saw his sibling as a lesser person because of their two-year age gap and resulting gulf in knowledge, skills and interests.

I mean, he could rattle off the names of all the Liverpool players, even the obscure reserves. His brother could not.

The elder one was into Busted and Linkin Park.

The other vaguely knew that Linkin Park was not a park in our neighbourhood.

And while the elder son was busy gelling his hair to stand up to gravity, the other was perfectly indifferent to the styles of the day. Oh, he had one request - could his T-shirts all come in yellow or red?

The only time their worlds orbited around each other seemed to be when each needed the other's company.

That happened during the school holidays when there was no one else at home to parry with.

The newfound warming of ties, a la Malaysia and Singapore, could extend to six wonderful weeks during the year-end vacation.

They would play board games, designed magazines (complete with trading cards, which the elder one would 'force' the younger to buy) and made life difficult for aliens on the PC.

For us, parents, these were the best of times. Perhaps, just perhaps, I thought we could finally have a family like the one on The Cosby Show where everyone seemed so peachy, cool and hospitable towards one another.

There was sharing and camaraderie. There was hope that the kids could now move on to acknowledge each other as peers.

Family experts say it is important for siblings to watch out for one another.

It is unwise to assume that blood ties will naturally provide a buffer in times of need, even if siblings have seen eye-to-eye for much of the time.

And now that nuclear families are becoming smaller and smaller, there are only so few members to count on for support.

What about relatives? From what I see, today's young generation are generally not close to their cousins.

How often do they get to meet? Even more crucially, do they want to hang out with one another?

While it has often been said that parents can get too absorbed in their work, thus neglecting the family, so too can the kids be sucked into their own worlds.

Burdened by schoolwork and preferring the company of friends, they can drift away from their siblings, and their parents.

Which is why the family members need to find time to be there for one another, if not each day, then at least during the weekend.

In our house, we have stopped cooking on weekends because we figure it doesn't make sense to reach out to stomachs but not hearts and minds.

So, we would rather call in, say, pizza - even if it's not the healthiest of foods, just so that we can sit together and talk.

Or join in and listen to the kids' fave tapes or radio stations so we know what turns them on.

Or play or watch soccer together.

This room for interaction has helped, in our case. On the boys' part, their relationship is now on a firmer footing, especially now that the younger one, who is now in Secondary one, is not so 'blur' about the real world.

Finally, they have more in common, be it music or football or a shared passion for certain co-curricular activities.

The elder one is slowly watching out for his brother.

I noticed this when we took a holiday last year in Penang.

Parents often say that, suddenly, in the twinkling of an eye, their children grow up.

It was like that too in my case. I will always remember the day when the elder one did all the talking to help his brother nail a cheaper price for a football jersey.

I later confirmed that breakthrough was no fluke when the MTV Asia Awards show was held here.

'Want to come with me?' the elder kid asked his brother.

'Er, I don't know who the singers are.'

'It's okay - I will tell you.'

No father was more proud than me, hearing that.