Business Times – Apr 16, 2004
A heart to adopt
About 5 per cent of the adoption cases each year involve singles, most of whom are professionals. CORINNE KERK looks at why they have chosen this route to parenting
MOSTLY, they are professionals.
Lawyers, bankers, accountants, businesswomen, teachers and managers. They are single, they are successful in their careers and often, they have given up on finding Mr Right.
But, they haven't given up their dream of becoming mothers. And so, singles - women in particular - have been adopting children, although many people don't even realise that is possible.
Every year, Singaporeans adopt an average of 700 children, more than 60 per cent of whom are foreign-born. About 5 per cent of the total adoptions - or 35 cases - each year involve singles.
The road to singles adopting, however, is often fraught not just with paperwork and emotional ups-and-downs, but also doubts from families, friends and society in general. Hence, it is not a decision taken easily, even though officially, the adoption requirements that singles have to meet are no different from those of couples.
That is, a person who adopts - married or single - has to be a resident of Singapore, at least 25 years of age and at least 21 years older than the child.
Single males are not allowed to adopt girls. But what if the man is a closet paedophile? And is it alright if he is gay?
'As part of the process of social investigations, these characteristics will be checked to protect the interest of the children,' says Ang Bee Lian, director of rehabilitation and protection at the Ministry of Community Development and Sports (MCDS). All prospective adopters, she adds, are assessed on their ability to care, provide parental guidance and the basic needs for a child.
While MCDS did not release information on the profile of single adopters, Ms Ang says the number of male adopters 'is very small'.
Anecdotal evidence also shows that most adopters are female professionals in their late 30s to early 40s. Their financial security also means they can better afford quality childcare and domestic help while they work.
According to Teo L K from Babies Adoption Agency - formerly known as Fosters Adoption Agency - these women tend to have a higher income and are prepared both financially and emotionally to adopt a child.
'There were even two cases where the single women adopted two children each,' she says, adding that she has only handled 'three or four' single male adopters.
Low Soo Meng of Greenhouse Adoption Agency says that while single female adopters are financially independent, most of the time, they still need some family support to make the adoption work.
'Based on my personal observations, adopters should be in their late 30s to stand a chance,' he adds. 'Singapore is not a society that promotes single parenting. While those in their late 30s are less likely to marry, those in their late 20s and early 30s may do so, and the child may then become a burden.'
On the other hand, sources say older single adopters in their mid 40s onwards will also be asked to provide sponsors for the child in case something happens to the adopter.
While couples adopting are less likely to raise an eyebrow, society tends to frown on singles doing so, as the family unit is deemed incomplete, with a father or mother figure missing.
But women adopters BT spoke to - no single male adopter could be persuaded to be interviewed - feel that their children are not being deprived.
With millions of orphans in the world who need love and care, they feel the children are better off with a loving single parent than in poor orphanages or on the streets.
And interestingly, they all come from large families themselves. They also had to make sacrifices, in terms of personal time, finances or career, to care for their adopted child.
Ultimately, says MCDS' Ms Ang, adopting a child is a lifelong responsibility. Hence, all prospective adopters - single or married - have to consider their decisions carefully given the huge responsibilities.
'Parents can expect changes to their lifestyles after adopting a child,' she points out. 'For single adoptive parents particularly, the adjustments and lifestyle changes could be substantial. In addition, singles may face a greater need for a supportive network of relationships to help them in raising the child.'
Adopters should also make sure they have enough resources to provide for the new life.
MCDS, adds Ms Ang, will consider these factors in their investigations, and 'will always place the best interests of the child ahead of all other considerations'.
Sharon (not her real name), 44, event manager with a two-year-old daughter
'I HAVE a sister and friend, both singles, who adopted. That started the idea that I would be open to this. I've always loved children and wanted kids but the reality is that I'm single. My heart whisper is 'God, if you want a child for me and bring the child to my doorstep, my arms would be open wide. But I wouldn't go looking for one'.
So one day I got a phone call asking if I would be interested in adopting this child who is due at such-and-such a time. I took that as a sign. It was a private adoption and within 48 hours, I met the baby's family members. It was a teenage pregnancy and I never met the birth mother.
A well-to-do couple was interested in the baby too, but her grandma wanted me. She said she was looking for character and an authentic person who would love this child. The fact that she wanted a single girl over the couple was also part of the sign. And I said I would only take the baby if her birth mother said 'yes'.
Even though the process was smooth, it was an emotional roller coaster ride until the day the baby arrived.
I didn't face objections from my family because I have a large family which had three adoptions. Their only hesitation is that my sister's adopted child's birth mother was a drug abuser who abandoned her baby, and they now have problems with the child who has a detachment disorder.
The reality is you have no guarantees and you'll have to walk through some things with your child based on a past you don't really know.
But I was very pleasantly surprised that the majority of people were very supportive. One of the phrases they often use is 'you are very brave'. It made me wonder what they meant. Could it be a compliment or a politically correct way of saying 'I would never do it myself'?
For the most part, it's been a wonderful, beautiful journey for me, 90 per cent of which has to do with a supportive community.
Is it unfair for a child to have a single parent? I agree that there are couples out there who want to adopt children, but my take is that there are more than enough children for people to adopt.
It's the system of how to get a child, the costs and financial burdens - and these are issues not confined to Singapore - that may put people off. There are many children who are not being adopted. But to say who gets which child is another matter.
The bottom line is, there's no explanation for it. This child was brought to me and she brings joy to my life. I believe it is possible to raise a child as a single and give her an extended family experience.
Cost-wise, she has definitely made things tight in my life, but we have help from her godparents and another family. I am a believer that if this child is meant to be a part of your life, you can make it work.
If I do get married in future, my husband will have to want to adopt her and take the role of her father. So he has to be someone open and ready for that.
I made the stand from Day One that I will tell her her story. I've made her a storybook of her life, and included a photo of her birth mother holding her.
If she asks why she doesn't have a dad? That's a good question, I still need time to think about that. I can't deny that she might feel she is missing out on something, but the best is for me to incorporate a sense of self-worth, purpose and destiny in her life.'
Kathy O'Brien, 42, consultant with a two-year-old son, Gus
'I'M American who came here seven-and-a-half years ago with a job. Now, I'm a Singapore permanent resident with my own consultancy business.
I knew the day I turned 30 that I wanted to be a parent. And I feel that adoption is the most wondrous path to becoming a parent. If I can adopt, I would do it, even over having my own children.
I come from a big family, one of six. My mom was one of 10. I've always had nieces and nephews. Because I've always been working hard and focused a lot on my career, my family wrote me off and assumed I didn't want a child.
Truth is, my life didn't work out in such a way that I could have a husband. I had a wonderful boyfriend, but I kissed him goodbye because he hated kids.
I adopted my son in October 2002. He's Vietnamese and was in an orphanage. I was given a choice as to whether I wanted a girl or a boy, but no choice other than that. But even with the gender, I declined to choose because if I had given birth, I couldn't have chosen.
Mothers talk about births and how the minute they see their child, they feel a complete connection and know they are meant to be together. I felt exactly the same when I saw him. I called him by the name I gave him and I swear he knew me.
For two months, the two of us wound up staying in a hotel in Vietnam because the Singapore agent I used was very corrupt. However, we had a wonderful opportunity to bond.
And yes, I had objections from everyone! Even within my own family. To some of the older generation, the whole idea of adoption was so strange and an unfamiliar territory. But I had expected that, so I braced myself and reminded myself that this decision was made from my heart and not anybody else's.
I had people saying I don't know what I was doing, a Caucasian with an Asian child will have problems all the time, society will not be fair to us and so on. But I give society more credit than that.
I also got a lot of flak about the lack of a father figure. Some people said someone who worked as hard as I do shouldn't become a mother. A lot of friends were very hurtful about my being single. But most of them can't believe how well it worked out, and the one person who was objecting and very resistant is now overflowing with love for my son.
Families come in lots of shapes and sizes and sometimes families start out one way and come out the other. There are plenty of moms who didn't start out as single mothers but they just do the best they can. The overwhelming love I feel and want to share with my child is plenty to help me raise him.
I have been very fortunate because I have a really good maid, and I work for myself from home, so I have more flexibility.
I'm a redhead, my son is unusually tall and I'm very short, so people give us curious looks all the time! If they're just staring and whispering, I smile. Some ask if my husband is a very tall Asian. Then I will smile back and say I am single and my son came from Vietnam. Usually, they process it, but very often, they feel so embarrassed. But I don't want them to feel embarrassed.
In Singapore, it can be very funny. When we go to a local restaurant, some of them know us and I swear they go to the other tables and tell our story!
But I am absolutely convinced this child is meant to be mine.'
Linda (not her real name), 48, businesswoman with a two-year-old daughter
'I don't like clubbing or anything and I'd come to a time in my life, when I'd done most of the things I'd wanted to do and the only thing I hadn't tried was motherhood.
Since marriage is not part of my list and maybe I'm so used to being on my own and doing things on my own, I'd rather adopt a child than have a boyfriend.
I tend to see guys in Singapore as overgrown babies who need pampering. But kids are different. They have no choice but to be dependent on you. A child is a long-term commitment, not a boyfriend you can quarrel with and then ignore. Maybe when I was younger, I didn't have as much patience, but I've mellowed.
I went to an adoption agency in 2002. The Chinese are sometimes very superstitious, so my family said I should check her birth date to see if there's a clash. So someone looked at it and said it was okay.
I saw her and she was healthy, though no one can tell if she will continue to be healthy. She was born in Batam and there were some concerns because a lot of Singapore men go there for sex and a relative asked, 'What if she later marries someone who is related?'
But I said I was adopting the baby not the parents and every child deserves a chance.
I didn't think about whether my family would help me. It was basically my choice, and I made sure that financially, I can provide for her education to at least university level. But if something happens to me, my sister will look after her.
Actually, I contemplated adopting a second child, but because of my age and the fact that I'm single, I was afraid two might be too many and changed my mind.
At first, everyone asked how I was going to take care of her. But let's put it this way, she is a first-time baby and I am a first-time mother - we'll grow up together.
I'm living on my own, but I have a maid to help me look after her. Besides, I come from a very big family. There were 10 of us. My father was the sole breadwinner and when we were young, we had shifts to look after each other. So in a way, I roughly knew what came with babies.
My daughter brings me a lot of joy. Even before I open the door when I get home, I can hear her calling out 'mummy, mummy, mummy!' and everything is alright.
Everyone says the adoption is for companionship when I grow old, but I didn't even think about that. Besides, even your own flesh and blood may not support you.
Have you read articles about parents ill-treating their own children? To me, it's up to each individual if they are prepared to adjust their lives to their children's needs. A lot of married couples don't want kids, and if they don't want to make adjustments, it's better they don't have them.
But yes, it's hard as a single parent because there's no one to take over. Once when she had a very high fever, the paediatrician asked if I wanted to put her in hospital in case I couldn't handle it. But I said 'no lah, I'll try and cope', because I can't keep putting her in hospital to make things easier for myself.
If she wants to know who her real parents are when she grows up, she has a right to that choice. It's a gamble I have to take. Some people say it's not worth it, but if she grows up to be a good person - not perfect, just good - I think I would have done an okay job.
My friends say I seem happier now, less stressed. I start work early and used to bring work home and continue till 2am. But I don't want to die holding the company accounts. I can't spend as much time on work now or even do any at home because she will want to sit on my lap and play. So I'm a bit more behind in terms of work. As in, now, I would do two days' work in two days, not one.
Some people say I spoil her, but why hold back if I can afford it? Especially since I would do the same for myself? Maybe I do spoil her, but how do you not spoil a child?
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