STI: Letting go of the cane

May 15, 2004

Letting go of the cane
by Sharon Loh

IT IS a fallacy to equate corporal punishment with tough love and kindness with weakness.

Over the years I have become less and less convinced of the merits of spanking a child. It is not the ideal way to raise one.

At best, it is the quickest solution to a long term challenge.

Many people will not agree. In a telephone poll conducted by The Sunday Times last week of 358 people, seven out of 10 approved of corporal punishment, and nine in 10 thought parents were too soft on their kids.

As a parent myself, I have wavered between periods of spanking and not spanking, imagining it to be a joyless but an occasionally necessary evil.

Now I am resolved not to spank my children at all - or at least, to die trying.

Those who support corporal punishment point to how we were all beaten as children and grew up none the worse for it. Most of us are fairly model citizens.

Then they point to how children these days are naughtier than before - more defiant, less respectful - and the difference, they say, is that they get away with more now.

The issue of how we discipline our children surfaced recently when the principal of Nan Chiau High struck an errant student with a book in a moment of anger.

He resigned after the incident was reported to the police.

In the storm of debate which broke, people questioned if his punishment was too severe, as he was universally acknowledged to be a fine school administrator, and whether the girl, who had a troubled record, had got off too lightly.

Teachers testified to how children these days are more difficult to manage as they are less likely to accept authority. Parents too, are more eager - too eager - to intervene.

Alas, there is no going back. Teachers may need to be trained how to deal with more intractable students, and accept that their authority is not going to be automatic.

But whether children are truly worse now than in the past has not been shown either way. They are certainly different; they come to things much earlier than we did.

But like all children, past and present, they need guidance.

And when it comes to discipline, schools can only do so much.

Parents have the unenviable lion's share of raising them so they become responsible, respectful and resourceful adults.

Using the cane, however, is unlikely to be the most constructive way to achieve this.

Perhaps it's true that most of us turned out all right despite having been caned as children.

The untestable hypothesis is whether we would have turned out better without it.

And even if it did us no lasting damage, what exactly was it supposed to achieve?

That was something I could never resolve, even in those moments I stood brandishing a cane in order to bend a child to my will.

Is the rod punishment or deterrent?

A deterrent would be like those anti-barking collars, which zap dogs with a jolt of electricity every time they yap. Soon they learn to keep their mouths shut.

The problem with using the cane that way was, it wasn't all that effective.

My children seemed as likely to commit the same infringements as before. Would I have to beat them to a pulp before they got the message? Did I have to up the ante every time?

I know of someone who got out the belt so often that his son eventually would just bring it to him and say, 'Not too hard, please.'

That's a tough kid. But is he a better one?

As for caning as punishment, many parents use it as such.

But there are other forms of punishment which may be just as effective without being violent. Remove all privileges. Ground them. Put them to work. Hey, get creative.

Parents already have power over their children, simply by being their sole providers. They don't need a big stick to prove it.

The sinister thing about corporal punishment is that it's often just sheer venting. The line between discipline and abuse is probably crossed too often.

They tell you to be calm while administering a spanking, but the truth is that most parents hit their children when they are angry.

And children are utterly defenceless in such moments. There is no quid pro quo. I can hit you but you hit me back and you are in big trouble.

Smacking your little one out of anger is the worst feeling.

There are few more draining responsibilities than parenting. It taxes all your reserves of patience and wisdom, and there's nothing like having a child to discover how little you may have of either.

It doesn't help if your life is claimed by many other things - that necessary evil called work, for example.

The lack of time is the greatest enemy of parents, not the lack of corporal punishment.

When time is of the essence, it's tempting to take the easy way out: give in (Junior doesn't want to tidy up his room? Never mind, the maid can do it), or shut down a situation quickly by using force.

Either way, the idea is to avoid dealing with uncomfortable issues.

But discipline is not about making children behave better, or making them more amenable and agreeable.

It's about empowerment, so they can deal with all those demands of life on their own once you have to let them go.

This means making time and space to listen to what they really need - which may be expressed in unlikeable, even unacceptable, ways - and then thinking through a solution. Not wielding a rod to gain instant compliance.

It's a tall order which I fail all the time to live up to.

But I know I have to try, because if I'm not on my child's side, who's going to be?