STI: Baby Love

Apr 6, 2004

Baby Love
by Teo Pau Lin

MAKING babies is more than just making the numbers fit, say we at LifeStyle.

There's the whole business of heeding nature's call. For the women, should babies or career come first? And do men have to worry about a biological clock?

For those who can't conceive the natural way, is assistance with reproduction the answer?

Couples who have tried this say the process is torturous. For those who prefer success stories, find out more about test-tube siblings Ivfen, Ivfy and Ivfeno Foong.

And, did you know that there are three 'Boy's Rooms' in Singapore where donor sperm are collected?

Of course, there's always the adoption route to having a baby. But is it something you can handle, and should a child be told he's adopted?

From columnist Janadas Devan and baby gurus who work with pregnant women to a look-back at the 1970s Stop At Two policy, we hope you'll enjoy LifeStyle's baby-making special.

Read, learn, then do it. Make babies, we mean.

CAN a modern-day woman nurture both family and career at the same time? Can she be both dedicated mother and working-world wonder woman?

To many, it is impossible, and women who want it all usually choose one of two scenarios:

Put in a good 10 years to conquer the corporate world, then slow down and have a baby while the biological clock is still ticking at 35.

Have babies first, get them out of the way by age 30, then start building a career as a latecomer.

Either option has its pluses and minuses.

Mrs Seah Kheng Yeow, the deputy director of Fei Yue Family Services Centre, and Mr Benny Bong, a family therapist at consultancy FamilyWorks, tally up the scores.

THE YOUNGER MUM, 25

Has more stamina to play with the child and take part in his activities

Has more time to have more children, and is better able to relate to them as they grow up

Would have to forego taking the fast track in - or even resign from - her career at a time when it is just blooming, and face the possibility of never achieving the same momentum again

May be viewed by employers as a liability as she is likely to take maternity leave, time off to look after her sick children, or decline to travel for business

May not have nurtured her relationship with her husband before the child's arrival

THE OLDER MUM, 35

Has less energy and is likely to be a mother who takes her child to the beach or playground, then just sits and watches

Pregnancies will have an increased risk of birth defects and complications

Is able to have only one or two children, and is likely to feel out of touch with the child as he grows up

Career is more established, therefore she would have contributed to more stable finances by the time the child arrives

More stable relationship with her husband since they have spent more time adjusting to each other before the child arrives

Likely to be successful at work. This bolsters personal confidence which is helpful in parenting. But some may find it hard to give up or compromise their career while they are ahead of the game

First child at 21

HOUSEWIFE Lillian Chia, 25, has two sons. Enzo is four and Ezio, two. Her husband, Vincent Ng, 29, owns an IT company. They live in a four-room Housing Board flat in Bukit Panjang.

'I met my husband five years ago in a pub and got married three months later. Two months after the wedding, I got pregnant. We weren't planning for a kid, neither were we avoiding it. We love kids so we just thought, if it happens, it happens. At the time, I was studying for my A levels as a private student. I was planning to go to university to study psychology.

But I gave up my studies when I got pregnant. Being a Mum requires a lot of commitment, and since we wanted kids, we should put in all our effort. You can't just have them, then leave them at home.

I have no regrets. The joys of motherhood and parenting are so great I'm happy to have given up everything.

Having kids has changed me. I used to live for the moment - partying, movies, with no fixed aim in life. Now, I've become more serious; my kids are my top priority.

They've also helped cement my relationship with my husband. When we fight, we can't ignore each other for a week. Our kids will bring us together somehow.

The only downside about having kids early is the finances. When we got married, we had no savings, so we have to think about our spending very carefully.

We don't own a car. We don't have air-con at home, or a maid. Our kids wear hand-me-downs. When we buy them toys, we make sure they're durable and something they need. We don't have a hot water flask. If we need hot water, we boil it.

I did consider going back to work when our finances got quite tight. But it would mean spending even more on a maid, sending the kids to a child-care centre, and new work clothes and shoes for me.

Besides, I don't have the confidence. I've not stepped into the working world for five years. Many things have changed and I don't know if I can meet the challenges.

But I have no problems about not having a career. You can always make money from home. I started a home business by making environmentally- friendly cloth diapers some time back. I didn't earn that much, it was more a hobby. I've stopped because I couldn't juggle it with my kids. But I hope to go back to it. Sometimes, I do envy my girlfriends who lead different lives, like when I wish I have time to myself to go out and unwind. The last time I watched a movie with my friends was five years ago. But it's not so bad now as my boys are older and I'm slowly getting back a social life. I've no regrets because I'm contented. I've come a long way since the days of hanging around and doing nothing.

In fact, we want more kids. I want two more, my husband wants four more. I'm contented with our two boys, but will be even happier if we have more.'

First child at 39

HOUSEWIFE Rachel Wong, 41, has a year-old son, Ryan. Her husband, Tenny Lau, also 41, is a regional manager of retail operations at an IT company. Before quitting her job a year ago to take care of Ryan, she was a manager for an events management company. They live in an executive condominium in Hougang.

'I met my husband through a mutual friend. We were married a year later when I was 32. It was another seven years before we had our first child because we weren't ready to have a kid any earlier.

We enjoyed our independence. We had careers that required us to travel, and we liked spending time with friends and going to Malaysia for weekends.

But after five years, we realised we were quite lonely, so we bought two Labrador dogs. It was only through delivering their litter of puppies that we realised we, too, should have a baby. Besides, I was 37 already, and I was getting along in age. When I got pregnant, I had concerns about whether the baby would have any health problems. But after doing a lot of tests, my gynaecologist assured me it would be okay. I also took care of my health by eating well and having enough rest.

Ryan has brought us a lot of joy. I used to be hyper and aggressive. But I've mellowed.

Having a baby has improved my relationship with my husband because we now have a common bond. We had savings, so we can afford to live on a single income now. As older parents, we're more able to provide for the child financially.

I'm very happy being a mother. But the downside is I don't have as much energy to run around with my kid as younger Mums. Which is why I have a maid to help out.

Also, when I'm 50, my son will be only 10. I'd love to have more kids, but at my age, I can have only one more within the next two years. To have a third child would take a miracle.

I envy mothers who had children when they were young. But in life, you can only plan certain things.

Yes, it'd be better if I had a baby earlier. But how much earlier? If I had become a mother in my 20s, I would have done it reluctantly. I would have felt like I'd missed out on a career.

Young mothers can enjoy the fact that when they reach 40, their kids are already in their teens. But you never know what sacrifices they had to make.

I've done all the clubbing and travelling I wanted. I've done enough for my career, and I've led the independent life I always wanted. So it's time to concentrate on the next phase of my life - raising my child.

When he's older and in school, I'd like to go back to work again, maybe start a small business selling lifestyle products.

It could be that I'm so used to working and feeling productive, but it would definitely help out in the finances.'