STI: Lots of EQ needed to make a happy family

Dec 20, 2004
Lots of EQ needed to make a happy family

THE term Emotional Quotient or EQ is usually used to cover everything about feelings, but when one refers specifically to Family EQ, it indicates the family's awareness of how each member feels, the ability to manage feelings and the commitment to resolve interpersonal conflicts.

An emotionally intelligent family is not one with no conflicts but one that can ride out any storm because of the strong relationships within it.

It is characterised by open communication and respect and empathy for each other.

The more a family deposits positive experiences and messages into its joint Emotional Bank, the higher its EQ and the stronger will be the bonds between the various members.

 

Aware of emotions

 

EMOTIONS speak louder than words, yet are often dismissed as troublesome or trivial.

This is especially so within the family, where we often take each other for granted and have high expectations and demands of one another.

If we dismiss feelings easily, we may miss clues to what goes on inside a person.

For example, children who say they are mentally or physically tired could be misunderstood as being lazy and given more work to do, when they could be heading for burnout or a breakdown.

Sometimes, expressions of frustration, worry and confusion are not easily accepted by parents, who may not be able to understand what their children have to worry about when everything they need is provided for.

 

Teach by example

 

PEOPLE tend to take out on their family what they would never do to friends or colleagues.

Parents also often discipline their children through punishment rather than showing them the right behaviour or offering positive ways to solve a problem.

For instance, caning a child who misbehaves does not teach him much other than what he is doing is wrong and that he has to suffer for it.

On the other hand, parents can manage their own anger and lead the child by example.

Teaching children by example is the most visual and influential way to bring them up to be what you want them to be.

 

Build family rituals

 

A GOOD way to maintain constant contact as a family is to establish family rituals.

Many are familiar with rituals associated with festivals, such as Chinese New Year, or with family traditions of celebrating birthdays, anniversaries and vacations.

Fewer practise family routines - activities established by the family as a way of life, such as a run in the park every Friday evening or a meal out every weekend.

Even fewer set aside time regularly to communicate feelings, opinions and dreams as a family.

Communication is especially important in a family with teenagers.

There is so much happening in their lives that if parents do not talk to them, they will soon lose touch with them.

A family can eat together or go cycling, but if it does so without communicating, little bonding takes place.

Take time to think about what family routines can be started that will not just encourage doing things together but enhance family communication.

 

Four ways to start

Tell tales:  Stories can educate, inspire and bond hearts and minds.

They help develop self-awareness and empathy, essentials to develop high EQ.

Parents can relate tales of their childhood, as well as those of failure and success.

Children can tell their own stories too, but they take time to open up to adults, and that includes parents.

They are also very sensitive to adults' feelings and attitudes.

Nothing can encourage a child to open up more than sincere interest and acceptance of him as a person.

Nothing closes a child up more than constant critical judgment of what he says.

Children tend to not talk rather than face parents' moralising.

Talk:  People talk all the time, but going beyond just exchanging facts requires a commitment of time and energy.

To really communicate, a family has to set aside time to talk about issues and to share thoughts and feelings.

Do not wait for things to happen before you see a need to talk.

One way to get everyone in the family to contribute to a conversation is to take turns to talk about what each person has been reading.

This habit builds up a lot of shared experiences, as does chatting about human relationships and behaviour.

A good place to start is at dinner.

Learning to talk as a way of life helps to strengthen a family's EQ, because doing so allows the various members to get to know each other really well.

Think: Stop and think when emotions are running high as things that should not be said may be uttered. It is better to wait until everyone has calmed down and can reflect on what has happened or been said.

In such situations, those involved are less likely to blame each other and more likely to consider the real reasons for a fracas.

When a child misbehaves, ask: 'Why is he feeling this way?', 'What difficulties is he facing?', 'Is he mature enough to do what I want him to do?', 'What can I do differently to get him to behave the way I want him to?'

Do things together: Do things together that the whole family enjoys, as such experiences help the bonding process.

The activities do not have to be complicated.

They can be as simple as playing a board game or watching a television show, or cooking a favourite dish.