STI: Sibling revelry

Jul 7, 2004

Sibling revelry
by Carl Skadian

FATHER'S Day passed rather quietly this year for me - not for want of trying on the part of my sons, though.

Each year, I am amazed by the trouble they go through to get me a keepsake, and I've kept them all. From little hand-drawn cards to photo frames to more expensive stuff.

As the years go by, I have catalogued the things they've given me, and it helps chart their journey from toddlers to little kids to teens with (I think) a little too much pocket money.

This year, acutely aware of my recent fitness craze, they got me a bright red running jersey. It's one of those things that has a well-known logo on it, which means it must have cost more than it was actually worth.

They weren't satisfied though. They wanted to get me still more stuff but I turned their generous offers down. Save your money for something you want, I told them.

They were disappointed, but I wasn't much in a mood to celebrate, and they knew it, so they left it at that.

Later, while discussing Father's Day with a friend, I found out his toddlers had thought up some really special gifts. They took him to lunch, after first politely confirming that he would be willing to pick up the bill.

Then they promised him that for that one day, brother and sister would try their darndest to avoid clobbering each other. Just to keep Dad happy.

The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that that is what I will ask my kids for the next time Father's Day, or any day with special family significance, rolls around.

It struck me that while we are well aware of Dads and Mums and their roles in the family unit, we've neglected another key pillar - siblings.

I've not heard or read of anyone who has dispensed advice on how to draw siblings closer when they are growing up, so that they will value their relationship when Dad and Mum are gone.

We've seen movies of kids who grow up together and go on to become great friends, but I can't remember any which show siblings growing up to become the best of pals.

In fact, in the greatest movie ever made - in my opinion - brother kills brother. That would be The Godfather, of course.

In real life, too, it often seems that siblings are more like Cain and Abel. My kids are often inseparable. But that usually means Dad or Mum has to physically separate them from a full-on fight.

I was disappointed when one told me the other day that he appreciated the peace and quiet that came with 'four hours of not hearing' his brother's voice.

So this is what I've resolved to do: I want to make sure that as my boys grow up, they become each other's best friends, and that at the end of the day, they are as close to each other as they are to their parents.

To be sure, I know people who have great ties with their brothers or sisters.

But the score is this: We grow up and grow apart. Work commitments, different interests and later, family affairs keep us apart.

Sure, when Christmas or the Lunar New Year rolls around, we gather around the table, knock back a few drinks, enjoy the great food our parents dish out, then make polite chatter.

Some of us do make the effort to get everyone together once a month, or maybe even once a week. A lot get together only when Father's Day or Mother's Day rolls around.

It's not enough.

I recently made the longest trip of my life - a non-stop flight to the United States, to bury my brother, who was killed in an accident.

There isn't a day that goes by without my thinking about how I should have e-mailed him more often, called more often, made more flights to the US instead of putting them off and blaming work, this, that and the other thing.

It's not as if we had a bad relationship either.

We were two peas in a pod, growing up together, terrorising the neighbourhood together, critiquing girls together, and charting each other's professional and family lives closely as we moved on in the world.

Sure, we beat the living hell out of each other too. I remember telling my sister-in-law at the funeral that I will always carry a reminder of my brother with me - a result of a clocking he gave me that left me with a 2-inch scar under my chin.

But boy, were we close.

Still, I wish I had made one more call, sent one more e-mail, taken one more trip, sent one more care package.

Instead, I'm left with the words to his favourite song:Yesterday I heard the rain,Whispering your name,Wondering where you'd gone...

From next year, my Father's Day present from my sons will have to be a fight-free, sibling-bonding day.

I don't know how I'm going to make them realise they are the best things to have happened to each other, but I've resolved to try as hard as I possibly can.

Some day, they are going to realise that a brother's hug, smile, or an unspoken word is as precious as one from Mummy or Daddy.

After all, the best TV series of all time isn't called Band Of Brothers for nothing.